well this is turning out to be really not so good. I had a huge talk with Ken yesterday, and he’s the only one who was game enough to give me advice, and he’s been a legend.
But today hasn’t been very nice at all. I’ve just moped. And I cleaned my room. And in retrospect, that probably wasn’t a good idea, cause I kept coming across letters, and stuff he’s given me, and photos. And somehow no matter what CD I put on, there was always a song about someone having their heart broken – and it was always a guy singing too. All day I kept thinking I’d done the wrong thing. I’m really glad Ken practically banned me from talking to Jon for now, cause otherwise I would have called him and made things a billion times worse for both of us.
The weird thing is that I’m not falling to pieces, nor am I carrying on like normal. It’s something in the middle. I don’t have any energy to do anything. I feel like I’ve lost something, which makes sense, cause I have. Something hugely enormous that took up most of my life, and now there’s just a hole, and I honestly didn’t realise how big it would be.
And probably what is worst of all, sorry to say this, is the massive amount of sympathy, when I’m not the one who needs it. I’d been thinking it over for days before it happened, but Jon had it dropped on him like a brick. But it’s not fair, cause I have this network of fantastic friends, but his is far more limited, and it’s made up of people like Flynn and Chris, and Jon doesn’t ever talk about stuff when he’s upset, he just stews. And Flynn and Chris generally don;t talk about serious things, and definiately won’t pray for him. So, I get all these prayers, which are fantastic, and lots of *hugs* which are also good, although hardly anywhere near as useful, but Jon gets nothing, and he’s the one who needs it. And I’m the one who he asks for help normally, but now I’m not there. I am an arse. I am so stupid. But at least Ken knows what to do. Thank God for Ken.
MLRAGHARH. I’m afraid of going to sleep.